Thursday, 11 September 2008

Kevin Is The One

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Yes, children... that’s right. Kevin Jonas is the One.

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Unfortunately, I’m not talking about him being ‘The One’ in the whole ‘OMG THIS IS THE FREAKING MATRIX AD NEO YOU’RE THE ONE... You’re The ONE!’ or even, sadly, in the sense of ‘Buffy, you are the Chosen One; the slayer’. No, it’s nowhere near remotely as cool as that. It’s actually... really... just kinda sad.
Actually, when I talk about the oldest Jonas Brother being ‘The One’; I don’t even mean it in the romantic sense which is weird for me because I’m just... well, horny as fuck! I’ll even try to woo the mailman on a bad day... or would that be a good day? Hmm. Questions, questions... But back to the point. No, when I say ‘The One’ – I mean it in the ... dun dun DUUUN... Chelsea Lately sense.

Oh yeah, heck yeah, boo yah.

I’m sure the penny is dropping with an almighty ‘clink!’ for a lot of you reading this right now.

For those of you who’re still scratching your heads, going ‘huh?’ with a deer-in-the-headlights expression on your faces; all I can say is: where have you been? Do you live under a rock? If you do - then, awesome! I live under a rock too! Yeah, it’s a funny story but basically it involves my dad and some taxes that weren’t paid and now the whole families under a rock ‘cos all the bins were taken...

Lemme break it down for you simpletons (don’t be insulted, I’m the stupidest person I know so I love it when I know something others don’t... let me have my moment!)

Chelsea Lately has a show where she has a habit of tearing down stupid celebrities who do stupid stuff.
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We all know there’s a lot of people in Hollywood and we all know a lot of crazy shit happens in Hollywood... so it makes sense that Chelsea always has some moron to discuss. To be honest, I was kind of surprised when she bought up the Jonas Brothers. I was like ‘huh? These are the most perfect kids in Hollyhooooood right now. What the heck did they do that she’s heckling them on her damn show?’ Guess what they did? Oh, well, actually, it’s a case of what they didn’t do. Yeah. Seriously. Ugh. The Jonas Brothers are such stupid retards, I mean, oh my GOD, they won’t have sex! They have these stupid rings that are like a commitment to like purity or whatever. Oh, oh, OH and get *this*... they read the Bible. They DESERVE to be on that Chelsea show... like TOTALLY. They’re such scum that they deserve to be on a show with other scummy people. They’re as bad as R Kelly who likes to go wee-wee on 14 year old girls, they’re as crazy as Brit-Brit when she went bold-bold and they’re as talentless as Paris Hilton when she was attempting to prove she was a somebody on The Simple Life.

Uh... wrong. So wrong.

The Chelsea Lately Show hit out at the Brothers not once, not twice... but DAMN, *three* times. That’s impressive. If this was a game of bowling, Chelsea Lately would have herself a strike. It’s just too bad this isn’t a game. I’m sure Chelsea Lately discovered this after her faux interview with the boys got an impressive list of complaints and the network was forced to stamp her little ass down. So, yes, all you Jonas Brothers fans... all you crazy loonies out there... you won. You won that battle.

Unfortunately, the damage was done.

In the faux interview, Chelsea made an explosive remark when she referred to Kevin Jonas as ‘the other one’ and continuously reprimanded him, belittled him and treated him like a.. well, like an outsider; an extra; it was a real ‘two’s company but three’s a crowd’ kind of a situation.

Little did Chelsea know what a minefield she had stepped out in when she decided to ‘diss’ the trio of brothers on her show but I’m willing to bet she didn’t even know of the very fragile ticking bomb she was stepping on when she dismissively referred to the older brother as ‘the other one’. Actually, maybe she did know that she was stepping on a raw nerve... but then that would make Chelsea Lately an evil genius... and I can see the evil part in her but genius? Really? Nah, she went into that joke totally blind of the repercussions.

If you talk to Jonas Brothers fans, they will mainly do this: ’OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGJonas.Brothers.Rock.They.Are.Like.My.LifeOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG’ and sometimes they will even pause... and breathe! But mainly, these creatures – normally of the female variety – don’t seem to need to breath, strangely enough. They’ve honed their skills so that they can speak up to 200 words a minute without pausing for air. Why waste precious time with the Jonas Brothers on breathing, after all? Well, that’s what they tell me anyway. Another thing the Jonas Brothers fans like to do is petition. Don’t mock the power of the people; kiddies. These fans have gotten their idols onto OPRAH. Oh, yeah. Fuck. That’s what I’m talking about. How beautiful is that? These fans just give and give and give.
Oh, and if you diss a Jonas Brother?
They will still give and give and give you more and more and more punches and kicks to your gut then you can possibly imagine.

Yet, there is ONE little thing that isn’t quite wonderful in the cult of the Jonas Brothers. Yes, there is *one* little vulnerability you can exploit if you’re evil like me and you don’t have anything better to do (also like me!) It goes a little something like this... (Read this, read it as it unfolds ‘cos it is truly beautiful, it really is)

Me: Hiiiii JB fans!
NickLover101: oo hey
IloveJoe: hii
Nickrocks; hi
DA_Mrs.Jonas: HEY!!!!
Kevinrules: hey
Me: How are y’all today?
Kevinrules: good
DA_Mrs.Jonas: really gud, i spent two hours worshippin my nick shrine today
Nickrocks: Ah cool! Good job DA_Mrs.Jonas
ILoveJoe: ugh im still in the middle of making mine for Joe. I just cant choose what pic to use.. their rolling stone cover or their teen vogue one?
NickLover101: TEEN VOGUE!!
Nickrocks: no way rolling stone, man rolling stone. Nick looks soo hot.
Me: Yeah yeah yeah. Interesting, the shrines and all... I.. I don’t know. You pick.
Kevinrules: rolling stone.
Me: So yeah, uh shrines and all that crap, yeah that’s interesting but uh, I was wondering, whose your favourite Jonas Brother?
ILoveJoe: oh we cant pick! Theyre all amazing
Me: Really? Come ooon. Pick one.
NickLover101: if i had to then i guess nick.
ILoveJoe: or joe.
NickLover101: yeah nick or joe are cute.
DA_Mrs.Jonas: oh yeah definitely. I mean nick is soo hot and Joe is so funny. Either one.
Nickrocks: i’d say nick but joe comes in second for sure. Or closely to number 1
Kevinrules: why not Kevin?
NickLover101: oh he’s good too.
Nickrocks: yh yh hes cool
DA_Mrs.Jonas: omg i love Kevin. I said Kevin!!
Me: Pssh. You said Nick or Joe, missy. Don’t you lie. I’ll scroll up in this conversation and copy and paste if I have to!
Kevinrules: OH! MY! GOD!
Kevinrules: You fuckin bitches i knew it.
Me: Woah missy. I got soap here and I will use it.
NickLover101: knew what?
NickLover101: it’s really not what ur thinking.
Kevinrules: omg. Kevin is so wonderful and just as important as his dare you do this? How dare you say he’s not your favourite and try to sideline him like this? WHERE IS YOUR HUMANITY?!
DA_Mrs.Jonas: Kevinrules, please, it’s not like that.
Me: Well, I don’t mean to butt in but none of you did say Kevin. You were pretty much jumping the Joe and Nick train. I’d say I agree with Kevinrules here.
Kevinrules: Kevin does so much. How do u think he wud feel if he read this? Omg. I am so ashamed and embarrassed for you guys.
Me: Hang your heads in shame, guys. Kevin is brilliant. The other two are his brothers. They deserve equality. This is just mean.
Nickrocks: hey you know, youre not exactly helping.
Me: Hey, hey, HEY! Don’t you disrespect me. You’re the ones who are in the wrong here.
: ugh don’t try and change the subject Nickrocks and blame her, you guys are so wrong
Me: Yeah *sneers* Don’t mess with this!
NickLover101: yeah but she is stirring things up.
DA_Mrs.Jonas: I bet she doesn’t even like Kevin she never said anything herself
Kevinrules: sure she does. Right?
Me: Uh, yeah, about that, I gotta go. So you guys talk this out, I’ll see you soon! Bye. TTYL. Love youuu. Kisses and hugs and all that jazz, pretty people.

Yes, now I have shown you all my secret ways... I know you will use this knowledge for evil and go out into the world and try to disunite the Jonas Brothers fans of the world. I say to you, lowly specimens... Good luck! :D

Only kidding.

But you guys get the jist of it, don’t you? Fans of the Jonas Brothers, especially those who have taken a shine to Kevin Jonas; do feel defensive when it comes to him. You can imagine how much Chelsea Lately’s words stung Kevin fans not to mention Kevin himself. Of course, the Jonas Brothers are the embodiment of cool. These guys do not sweat it. They don’t let Chelsea Lately or more recently; Russell Brand affect them. The fans fight those battles for the brothers. Also, well, alright, I suppose the brothers do sweat – but they only do it on stage and I believe they do it of their own free will; they have a little switch on their backs that they flip on before a show that makes them sweat ‘cos they know the ladies like it. (Seriously, go to YouTube and search ‘I went to the Burning Up Concert and Joe sweated on me! BEST.NIGHT.OF.MY.LIFE!’ Heh...)

Personally, all this talk of Kevin being under-appreciated to a great extent makes sense to me. He doesn’t sing on a lot of the songs. That’s about the only reason I think he seems like ‘the other one’. Other than that, let’s face it, he is just as cute as Joe and Nick.
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He is. He is absolutely beautiful. Face it, if he wasn’t around, every interview would consist of Joe Jonas sitting there clubbing himself on the head to get laughs and Nick sitting awkwardly at the back and silently watching. Kevin is the glue. He is the cohesive element of the group. He is amazing. I love and adore him. Joe will always be MY favourite. What can I say? I love to laugh and the boy brings the laughs, although I have heard he steals Nick’s jokes.... WHO CARES? I love Joe. Oh, and we set a date for the wedding, you guys. You’re all invited. It’s in New York on November 31st. Please bring gifts, if you bring silverware or a kitchen appliance of any kind; I’ll shove it where the sun doesn’t shine, okie dokie? Joe’s still choosing his tux but yes, November 31st for sure. I mean, I really think he and I can make this work. Sure, there is the issue of what I’m going to do with Taylor Swift because I have her bound and gagged in the trunk of my car and also, the matter of Joe having to be secretly fed those ten tiny blue pills a day so his memory doesn’t come back... but every relationship has its issues, right?


I love you guys and the brilliant feedback you give to my random ramblings. Please, gimme some more! Leave a comment and let me know what you think of Kevin Jonas. I have a new nick name for him, it isn’t ‘The Other One’... it’s the ‘Sticky One’... cos you know, how he like sticks the group together ‘cos he’s the glue and... yeah, lame... I know...

Peace and love.


Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness this was just...amazing. You're funny, creative, and an AMAZING writer. I really do love this blog. Thank god someone posted the link to it on JBF.

November 31st you say? I can definately make that, what would you like as a gift? Perhaps more little blue pills?

And Kevin, my Kevin, I'm most definately a mufasa mama to the max. You're so very right about him, he's the glue, the one that talks the most in interviews, the businessman. And He ROCKS out on guitar. Seriously, I saw them in concert this summer and while they all were amazing he rocked it. I mean, he had energy, was constantly smiling when the camera was on him and it was just amazing.

So, Kevin is amazing. He rocks out on that guitar and he does actually sing at the Not a lot but its enough to keep us mufasa mamas happy.

But what did the E network do to Chelsea Handler? I hadn't heard of them doing anything and that skit was NOT funny in the slightest.

Great job!

Anonymous said...

Kevin's incredible. I think he's the one that has shown the most genuine love for the fans, he does everything - he is the glue. He's a real man, but the younger fans wouldn't give a damn, or see that. It pisses me off.
Soo yeah, thanks for this. (: