Sunday, 20 January 2008

''Giving You Everything We Have''





You know, celebrities are strange people. Wait, wait, wait. Oh God, this is embarassing. I just called them people. What a slip-up! Durr! Silly billy blogger me! Celebrities aren’t people. They’re celebrities. But we love them, right? They’re absolutely fascinating!

I mean, today, I watched a video of Britney Spears exiting a car with a man she’s now dating – Adnan G. He was one of her paparazzi entourage. A month ago, he was sliding across the pavements of California trying to get an upskirt shot of Brit’s cooch as she dashed out of a petrol station and into her car. And now? He’s riding up front with her and waving at all the other sucker photogs ogling her! This man has hit the jackpot. Ahh, it makes a young teenager like me sigh with happiness. Maybe my dreams of bagging my celeb crush will come true? Ah, Adnan, you’re a freaking inspiration, baby! An inspiration to all smelly, overweight celeb-obsessed bloggers like me! I LOVE YOU ADNAN. You have a groupie.

Yes, like I said, celebrities are fascinating creatures. Gosh, you know, it’s like when I went to the zoo as a child and I stood outside the cages of these monkeys and just giggled at their antics. We have a zoo full of celebrities, you know. It’s called Madame Tussauds and it contains a waxwork model of all your personal favourites and you can go snap cute pictures with them and put them up on your MySpace. Oh, it’s awesome. But man, the premieres are what really rock. It’s where they let them out of their cages and the crowds go wild as they flaunt it on the red carpet. We do love those premieres, don’t we? It’s really a warm-feeling moment, however, when celebrities are snapped in their natural habitats- Now those pictures are a real find! I saw pictures of High School Musical hottie Zac Efron in a big raincoat on the set of his new movie Seventeen. It was an amazing moment for me. I finally discovered what he looks like when he’s walking from his trailer in the rain to some other place. Yeah, those pictures were a real treat.

Yes. Celebrities are here for our entertainment and amusement. It’s so cool. I love them. They’re adorably cute but God, they do make some of the most impressive fuck-ups but gosh, you know what, I love them anyway! Yep, that’s how amazing of a fan I am, I love them regardless. Vanessa Hudgens, babe, I love you and your bush! Milo Ventimiglia, I love you on Heroes and I don’t care that you’re dating Hayden P. Even though she’s eighteen and you’re thirty. That’s how forgiving I am. That’s how loyal I am.




I just had a burst of... sanity. It made me realise in that split-second moment that I’m talking a load of shit; that I’m an ignorant bitch with her head so far up Hollywood’s ass that it’d make Dita Von Teese blush. If anyone reading this has ever talked like any of the following above... I really think you need to re-evaluate your life.

First of all; celebrities should be round up and put on death row.

OK.... Maybe that’s a little too harsh? OK. OK. Just make it Perez then.
Let’s make this clear. Celebrities are pathetic individuals who use the media to feel good about themselves. They are talent-less, they have poor self-esteem and it is more then likely that they have a sex-tape lurking around somewhere in their murky past.

Now, I bet everyone has just gone –GASP!—

You’re probably thinking ‘Oh, God. She did NOT just... she did NOT... She didn’t insult [insert favourite star’s name here]’

You’re getting offended too easily. Celebrities aren’t the people in movies, they aren’t the ones hosting good talk shows, they’re not the ones on TV soap operas, they’re not the catwalk models flaunting it and they’ve never done a guest appearance on Hannah Montana (I know teeny boppers read this blog. I just want to say, Miley Cyrus equals AMAZING. I am not trying to make you like me and keep returning to my blog. I swear. I really love her. She’s real. So.... uh, is this working? You guys like me now, right? AWESOME!)

No. Celebrities are people who have no talent but often, they have lots of money (OMFG PARIS HILTON!) Then again, I like Paris now. She hasn’t done anything stupid after she came out of prison, she seems to have taken it as a learning curve and grown out of her party days.

Unfortunately, sometimes, amazingly beautiful and amazingly wonderful people get mistaken as ‘celebrities’. Ugh, here’s a quick list of a few people who are deemed celebrities: Britney Spears, Halle Berry, Lindsay Lohan, Lauren Conrad (it was touch and go there for LC but she scraped it onto the list but ONLY because she has talent in the fashion industry... ONLY because of that), Zac Efron, Hayden P (Love this chick to death but lord, her last name is SO hard to spell. Damn you Mr and Mrs. P!) and Carrie Underwood.

There are many, many more people who stupid bloggers have dumped into their Celebrity Pile which lurks behind their ‘Porn’ Pile. What these people actually are are hardworking and damn determined. They are talented artists and actors who are fuelled with ambition. Their on-screen work is a credit to them and they should be given ‘God-like’ status over everyone.... OK, maybe not the last part. But these people are amazing. Ask your mom or dad how they got their dream job; they’ll tell you it was blood, sweat and tears all the way but God, the feeling of accomplishment was better then a two-hour orgasm (at this point you’re probably reaching over for a bucket to vomit it. Heehee, your poor little innocent minds!)

Ask a sixteen year old Britney Spears what her lifelong dream is and she’ll probably tell you that she’s been performing her whole life, it makes her incredibly happy and that’s what she wants to do forever and ever. She would identify herself as a singer. Not a fucking celebrity. A SINGER.

Same with anyone else in the last year who’s been hounded by photogs and had their business splashed across their blogs (I kinda contribute to that... heh... Well, I’m going to burn in hell for it, so come on, quit torturing me. The devil’ll do that for you!) A great example is Vanessa Hudgens. No one really knew her even though she had a significant role in Thunderbirds a few years ago until High School Musical gave her the limelight. Can you imagine what her first red carpet event must have been like where the photogs actually knew her name? It must have made her giddy with excitement. It must have been something she laughed about with her girlfriends as being a pretty cool first experience. Something her little kid sister Stella Hudgens must have admired her big sister for.

“Man. Fame is exciting! I’m wearing a fun dress, I’m being adored by millions and oh wow, I’m winning Emmy’s for doing what I love. This is UNREAL! But.... No...No FREAKING way, are you actually telling me I get to travel around the world promoting this thing just for doing something I’m crazy about? Oh FUCK YEAH. I’m in, bitches.”

Next thing 19 year old Hudgens knew was that a series of extremely raunchy images of her hit the net. Fame wasn’t only waiting for her on the red carpet anymore, it was outside setting up camp on her lawn. Nude pictures are disgusting in any context. No offense, but personally, I think it’s better to have the real thing then to jack off to... that stuff. But whatever. She did the doo. She paid for it.

Wait a fucking minute... why did she pay for it? Why did Vanessa have to hide under a cap with an upside down smile on her face every time she left her house? Why did Britney shaving her hair suddenly become ‘OMG! She’s lost her hair... and mind!?’ Why did Rihanna’s ‘Umbrella’ kick ass on the Billboards, ugh, I hate that song! Why does life suck? Why is the sky blue? Why is Perez really a fat woman with a stick-on penis?

SO many questions.

One thing I can answer is that the media is to blame. Not about Perez being the shit he is, but about the stuff before that.

When I first found out Britney shaved her head, you know what my reaction was? Something a little like this: “Uh, OK. FoxNews just stopped reporting news on the Iraq war to tell me this shit?” Looks like FoxNews have their priorities in order! What did I do when I heard about Disney nude pictures? I laughed at the oxymoron. Everyone knows Disney Channel stars don’t have genitals! Duh! They’re specially bred in laboratories and when they hatch, their whizzed off to Disney studios where they are then stored in a big freezer until the old Disney stars become, well, just that: old, and they need replacements.

I strongly believe that everyone who is successful in Hollywood (or Hollyhood as all my bruthas out there like ta call it, mon! Big up Snoop Dogg!) did not want to be ‘famous’.

They grew up with a passion for something just like everyone else in the world. They thought ‘Oh shit, this business is hard, I’ll never make it but you know what? The tiniest bits of work I get are good enough for me.” And then those humble bastards hit the jackpot and suddenly their not just little Johnny T. From back home, they’re THE John Travolta!

It has its ups. But more then anything, it has its down. Say goodbye to privacy. Oh and kiss goodbye to happiness in a relationship – that ain’t happening, how you gonna meet a boy if you got 50 photogs on your ass every time you walk out your driveway? Definitely wave away your inhibitions because the minute you have a song that’s number one or the minute your movie’s a hit; you got reporters researching your background to find any dirt they can. You got all these weird kids from high school coming out with stories about you being a wild, spoilt brat in school. Basically, you have a paradox of emotions.

On the one hand, it’s all ‘Wow. People like this. I’m getting my message out there!’ On the other hand it’s ‘Oh fuck, I forgot to wear panties and the wind just blew up my mini-skirt in front of a bunch of paps!” (Uh, by the way, who forgets to wear panties? Seriously... that’s just dirty. I thought Dirty Alice from school was dirty cos she’ll suck your cock for fifty pence but man, that’s REALLY nasty!)
No, fame comes with the good and the bad. Actors are actors. Artists are artists. Celebrities are idiots. Ask your daddy what a ‘scrounger’ is. He’ll tell you it’s a lazy fat bastard who doesn’t want to do a hard work’s day in their life and so they look for the easy way out. ‘Easy way out can’ mean so many things and all of them include selling your soul and waving goodbye to your morals.

The true talents in Hollywood have given us everything they have. They put their skills in front of our faces for the entire world to see. They’re giving you everything that have or have ever had. Have you ever stood up and performed at a school show? Well, multiply that audience by millions and you’ll see the pressure that performers have. They’re out there; acting, singing, directing, writing, modelling... everything. They’re already exposing themselves to us.

But that’s not enough. No. We have wonderful TV Shows like ET and paparazzi websites that give us 24 hour coverage of our favourite stars! YES. 24 HOURS! You can just imagine the heart attack someone like Tom Cruise would have had when they found out about those websites! They would never be safe again.

If you want to grow up and perform, children, then be aware. Giving us everything you have on-stage isn’t enough. We want to see you all the time, we want to see your weaknesses, we want to expose your faults, we want to see you crash and burn and we wanna see it all on X17Online or Splash News!

Our favourite stars probably do like the attention. Who WOULDN’T? But I think they would all agree that they only like that attention in controlled surroundings like premieres or events. Not at 3AM on New Years Day where they’re piss drunk and staggering to their front door only to discover a guy in their bushes with a camera. Not when their rushing to their mother’s funeral. THAT last one is definitely not cool and it happened to the blue-eyed Welsh hottie actor Jonathon Rhys-Meyers.

Finally, I just want to say I love Britney. For all you ‘BURN BRITNEY’ freaks, let me tell you a little something. Britney isn’t damaged because she’s a bad person. She’s damaged because of the media. She spent her teen years in the spotlight; everything about her was criticised, everyone had high expectations of her, her mother was a control-freak and then when she became pregnant... EVERY stage of her pregnancy was analysed, every little detail was pointed out. I don’t know about you guys but I feel faint when I’m up on stage performing in front of an audience as little as fifty. Britney was and is being watched by the world. She’s tried to bend to everyone’s expectations and make everyone happy. She’s giving everyone everything she’s ever had and then one day, she cracked and thought ‘Fuck you ungrateful shits.’ And now she’s living life with ‘another day, another drama’. She’s playing games with the paparazzi and giving them a real good show because hell, if they’re watching her, why not make it worth their while? Right? The problem is these ‘mind games’ are screwing up her life, her health and her sanity.

That’s not me having a Chris Crocker moment, that’s me using an example of a wonderfully talented star who’s been ruined by fame.

Let’s face it. We like the gossip. We get off on it. Me writing this won’t change your habits but maybe it will make you criticise blogs that make spectacles of stars out there who really don’t deserve it. In the words of Miley Cyrus ‘Nobody’s perfect, we all gotta work it...’ (SEE. I told you I loved her cute little ass!!!)


Anonymous said...

you write the best stuff. :)

letsmakesomefriction5 said...

you really are so talented. i love what you write, you sum it all up exactly how I want to say it!

Jenianne said...

I think you are a very good blogger, you should get paid for this!
You make me laugh and you tell the truth.
I like your ideas and the way you approach your writing. It's great.
Keep it up!
PS. PEREZ SUCKS! I love that 'woman with a stuck on penis'. I'm gonna put that as my MySpace headline!

Anonymous said...

wow.... this really opened my eyes!
seriously, I'm going to think again when I look at pictures from JJ!

Biku said...

You're a genious, girl! You really are! I love your blog!
Keep working like this!

Anonymous said...

yaaay another blog