Wednesday, 23 January 2008

Aptly Named?


You know what I’m sick of hearing? People calling Zanessa ‘cute’. What is up with that? Do you not have ANY other vocabulary other then the word ‘cute’. And how on earth can they possibly be ‘cute’ when they’re practically adults?

Oh wait, wait a minute... I get it! It’s because Vanessa has a baby-face, right? Don’t get me wrong, psychological studies have shown men are always attracted to women who either a) resemble their mommas (yikes! No wonder Will. I. Am’s singing freaky shit like ‘I Got It From My Mama’!) Or b) women who have similar characteristics to children.

Vanessa Hudgens, I cannot deny, is one stylish teen star and very unique in the way her face is put together (look at the extensive background she comes from, though) and her face is definitely in the ‘baby-face’ category. I know, I know, most of you are thinking ‘YUCK! MEN ARE PEDOPHILES’. Yeah, that’s true. But come on, Vanessa is beautiful. Maybe there’s something to this baby-face theory, eh? That’s it! I’m gonna start using baby butt-wipes on my face, I want my face to be as smooth as a baby’s behind so I can be a baby-faced girl and pick up Efron-look-a-likes!

Anyway, that leads me to my point. Nicknames. Zanessa is a nickname kind of thing, isn’t it? It’s like TomKat or Jutney... oh wait, Justin and Britney are so over, what am I thinking? Duh, Zanessa rule Disneywood now! Gosh. Yes. Zanessa is a nickname. But what about INDIVIDUALS in Hollywood? Don’t they deserve nicknames too? (Whether they like it or not? MUAHAHAHA)

Yes, I think I will nickname everyone in Hollywood. Woo. That feels good. Did you guys just feel that whip past you? That was the refreshing gust of wind known as ‘POWER’ and for once, I wield it! Oh yeah. Now I know how that immature astrologist felt when he was given the power to name a newly found planet... and what did the genius call it? Uranus! Well, I promise to be more responsible with my powers. Promise!


Well, we’ve already established Vanessa Hudgens’ nickname: Miss BabyFace!

Next up, Zac Efron. He’s a difficult one.

I mean, I could call him ‘Beanie Man’ because of his ever-changing *cough* not *cough* fashion sense but then again, I did see some rather... well, I don’t really have a word for it because it was just his ass hanging out of his jeans on JustJared. Whatever. I’m not giving credit to his ass. Pssh. No way. I mean, we all know he’s doing it on purpose. The boy’s earning millions and he can’t afford a belt? I don’t buy it. I see that coy little smirk on your face, Efron! I know that mischievous twinkle in your eye. Every time the paparazzi turn up, it’s show time for Zac! He’s whipping off his belt and bending over and then he’s all ‘Oh dearie me... How did that happen?!’ We know what you’re up to, mate!

Then again, it would be completely clichéd to label him something lame like ‘Mr. Hot Guy’ because he gets enough of that, I think people are getting a little bored of seeing ‘Zac’ and ‘hot’ on the same page- it’s common knowledge, people, we don’t need it flaunted in our faces twenty-four seven. No. I’m going to be completely original and call him... Mr. Cool Guy. (Yeah, uh, that originality thing I was talking about? I lied! I’m a blogger, so sue me, but be warned, every time a celeb gossip blogger is sued and shut down, one thousand more are spontaneously produced to take their place!) Huh, I feel kind of sorry for Vanessa now. If she marries Zac, I’m going to be calling her Mrs. Baby-Face Cool Guy... Uh oh... Guess they should stop planning that secret wedding and let me marry him instead, huh?


My favourite girl; Britney Spears. Lord knows all the other bloggers out there have a thousand and one names for her but you know what? I’ve got one word that sums her up perfectly: ‘Human’. Yep. Brit is still my hero, she’s still someone I support and if I read tomorrow that she had stolen a gun and gone on a shooting spree; I would still blame the paparazzi and her fame-whore mother for screwing her up. She’s only in her twenties. Britney can come back with a bang. She’s my ‘Miss I’ll Be Right Back!’ We know she will!

Now, I’m really tempted to call Ashley Tisdale ‘The Third Wheel’ but uh, that’s just wrong! Uhhhh blogger dilemma. Should I cross over to the dark side and be.... –GASP!- a meanie kabeenie? No, NO! I’m a good girl.

Ashley is stylish and very private. I mean, honestly, we all know why she carries that dog around with her –to hide her face from the paps! I don’t think teeny doggy minds though, he’s getting famous! That’s it, Tisdale, I name you – ‘Miss Covert Operation’. Every time you leave the darn house you make it a freaking mission to hide your pretty little self from us! I’m surprised you don’t have the Mission Impossible theme following you around wherever you go. Actually, I’m glad you don’t because that would make you even more damned cooler and I don’t think I could handle that – I’d melt!!!

Paris, Paris, Paris Hilton... Lord, she’s a toughie.

She’s X-rated, she’s a booze-hound, she’s bitchy – oh wait, my bad! That was BEFORE she got sent to jail. Jailbait? No. That only applies to young girls who are teasing others with their ‘am I a virgin, am I not?’ pictures and I think from Paris’s extensive collection of home-made sex tapes, we can assure ourselves she’s not. However, lately, I haven’t seen her vagina or her for that matter at any clubs or any public brawls. Where I did see her was at some charity gala in Japan! YEAH! For real. ‘Miss Reformation’ anyone?

Nikki Blonsky!

This girl is amazingly talented. She deserves her place in Hollywood and I would call her Miss Hardworker but then again, everyone who’s successful works their butts off for it! (Not me though, I just sit here and type and it all flows out... oh wait, I’m not successful. Whatever). One thing that struck me about her was how close she was with Zac. When I mean close, ladies, I mean she had her paws in places that’d make nudie-Hudgens blush! Well, come on, you were all thinking it. Lucky b....! Yeah. Darn her.

Then there are the people who are getting defensive on VANESSA HUDGEN’S behalf because of the infamous MOD ‘Zikki’ kiss. Hear that, V? You don’t even have to fight your own battles anymore because you’ve got the Zanessa crazies in the mission. Oh yeah. They’ll beat Nikki black and blue and then buy you one of those smoothies you love so much and then, then they’ll give you a lift home and JUST because their such big ‘fans’ and ‘lovers’ of Zanessa, they’ll be extremely helpful and even take your clothes off for you and Zac so you guys can just like cut to the chase and not get held up by the ‘OMG LET’S RIP OUR CLOTHES OFF EACH OTHER’ process of sex. You think I’m joking, my naive little readers? Zanessa-obsessors would do EXACTLY that if they were given the chance and some of the sneakier ones would probably even film it. Yes, never trust a Zanessa fan children. They have only one thing on the brain: ZANESSA. OMG. ZANESSA. OMG. Ahh, I love those crazy people nonetheless. They’re a cool cult. (Pssht! Anyone know the link to ZF? If you have no clue what ZF and are suddenly curious then STOP... because, uh, you didn't SEE this... yeah, yeah, it's uh, it's an optical illusion! Yeah that's it. You're just seeing things and becoming senile, nothing to worry about!)

Anyway, Blonsky, with all her talented ways, she is my ‘Miss New Girl’. Hollywood is very new, shiny and attractive to this 18 year old hotshot. Lord, the way she behaved around Zac Efron was proof of her inexperienced ways. People misinterpreted her actions. She wasn’t trying to put him under her seductive charm, she was just excited by Hollywood, by her co-stars and so on. She spent a lot of time with Zac Efron in Canada and she must have intertwined her friendship/personal relationship with him with her professional relationship with him. Zac’s a professional, he knows how to keep his co-stars happy and present a good public image. Poor Nik didn’t stand a chance when she got too close to him without realising how the fans would take it. She just didn’t know any better. Yeah, that must have been it... I know I would’ve been acting exactly like ‘Miss New Girl’ if I had entered glitzy-land.

Lindsay Lohan is someone I’ve hated and despised.

Then I realised ‘Wait a minute... I don’t know Lindsay, why am I hating her?’ Let the paparazzo perverts say what they will, I don’t care that Lindsay snorted crack off the seat of her toilet or that likes to fall asleep in piles of her own puke because she’s too stoned to get up. Just as long as she arrives freshly-showered and wearing UNDERWEAR on the red carpet, I’m cool with her. She has a public image and a personal one. The personal one is the one I don’t give a damn about. Nonetheless, some of her raunchier photoshoots have proven her to be not-so-Disney anymore. So what can I really say other then ‘Miss Ex-Disney’? When you become ex-disney, you reach adulthood. So, people grow up, people fuck up. To err is human, bitches. Get over it.

Miley Cyrus already has a nickname, it’s HANNAH MONTANA. OK, it’s not a nickname, it’s a dual identity.

Well, I have a better one for her. ‘Miss Rockstar’. Oh yeaaaah. Hannah Montana’s got it going on, hoes! Everyone I know has out-grown the ‘Miley’ phase but me, I’m only as old as I feel! The best part is, I can say I BOUGHT HER ALBUM and no one can beat me up... because all the people at my school who read this blog... they have NO clue I’m the writer. No one does. Heehee. Oh, and um, if you’re reading this blog and you go to school with a girl who you suspect may have written this blog, then just STOP with the suspicion, OK? Because there are billions of girls, millions of schools and uh, at the end of the day, only one me. You’ll never figure it out. Give up. (Besides, I don’t like attention... If I did, I’d be a YouTube blogger. No. My ugly-ass opts for the more anonymous approach: blogging).

There are plenty more stars out there I want to victimise – uh, I mean, BLESS with a nick-name, but for tonight, I’m going sleep-bye-byes. But here's a few others that I really want to have pet names for. Help me think of some?

Chace Crawford - *Mind the droolage!*
Victoria Beckham - She's a stick figure with weird boobs, I know, but I'm in love with her style. I know, pathetic. Meh. I have thing for weird boobed ladies.
Sarah Michelle Gellar - I kind of miss her since her Buffy days. I wish the paparazzi would stalk her some more, I haven't seen her around in ages... Just kidding. But seriously, Mrs. Prinze needs to make some appearances!
Timbaland - The guy takes a record and turns it into gold. Seriously. He's magic. I love his music and everything he's produced. He can't go wrong!

FINALLY, R.I.P. Heath 'LEGEND' Ledger... An awe-inspiring actor whose memory deserves to be preserved eternally along with all the other greats. I just feel sad for his child and his wife. God bless them.

Now, I got to go....! And remember, kids, always wear a condom during sexual intercourse! (I’m trying a new thing where I try to fill your heads with something more than mindless celebrity-trash-talk. So take notes!)


youwannapieceofme said...

babyface... lmfao...... :]

Albiku said...

God, you're amazing!!!!

k8_barrera said...

You really are an amazing blogger. I agree with everything you said.

Anonymous said...

I really love your blog. It's always so much fun to read.